It's About Time

It took me almost three years to paint my room, or rather it took me almost three years to stop talking about painting my room and actually do it. "I'll do it next week... Next month... Next season..." Putting it off and putting it off again. Exhibit A of inaction caused by Character Flaw 3: Indecision. Equally, though by a much more complex catalyst, it took almost three years to make an active decision for myself as far as what I wanted to do with my life.

No one knows truly knows what they want to do after leaving high school, you just follow a path you laid out for yourself before-hand, but when that path is no longer available to you - by choice or not - you need to decide where to go next. Every time I tried to take a step down a new path, three things popped into my mind:

       Am I ready?
       Is this right?
       I am terrified.

Closer to the date that I would have to act on that decision I would have anxiety that grows in gravity, in severity, and it's all I can do not to run in the opposite direction. I am a perfectionist with fragile self-confidence, I worry that myself or my work aren't good enough and worry again that other people think even less. That kind of anxiety is dangerous because it breeds indecision, which then breeds inaction and before I know it it's been a week, a month, a year and it's all still just an idea in my head - still a decision that hasn't been made.

I am at heart a lover of storytelling. I am a reader. I've indulged myself in stories, have lived and have found happiness in worlds and minds that are not my own. Although, what I also am but haven't shown is that I am a writer; to my very core I am too a storyteller in my own right, with stories - both fictional and non-fictional - that I've only ever kept to myself. My fear has kept me from being who I want to be and from doing what I want to do. But like John Hurt as the War Doctor said: "NO MORE".

I made a decision, and this is that decision:

The other decision I made, you're reading right now. Think of this blog as a "Companion Guide" to my videos as well as a less-compacted glimpse into the dynamic waves of my brain-box. And through these two platforms I can share my life, my thoughts and my dreams; things I've learned, things I'm still learning; and most of all, my creations: music (covers and originals), short stories, short films, and updates about the novel I'm writing.

This year's resolution is "Fearlessness and Productivity" - to stop letting fear get in the way of accomplishing goals I've set for myself. That's not to say that doing that video or writing this blog isn't scary or that I'm not worrying over them being exactly what I want them to be, but the fact that it IS scary and I AM worrying and I managed to put up the video and make this blog anyway, shows a great deal of growth.

One of my best friends, said to me last week: "We need to embrace our flaws, or else we end up hating ourselves for them". It's true. It's being aware of and accepting your flaws in order to grow. 

       1. Perfectionism,
       2. Lack of Self-Confidence,
       3. Fear & Indecision,
       4. Internalization.

As the Hero in my Life Story, these are my Character Flaws. I've always been aware of them but it's only now that I'm embracing them, to learn from them, to rise above them, and that video and this blog are proof that I am trying.

I've been lucky though. For every moment I doubted myself the world reminded me that I had family and friends who love me, support me, and most of all are patient with me, and I could never thank them enough. But I was my greatest obstacle, my worst enemy, my harshest critic. I had to learn to believe in myself. I had to soak in that juicy sunlight of opportunity. I had to turn it into delicious passion and motivation. And now I have to use that to grow into the best person I can be. I have to be my biggest fan first.

It wasn't easy for me, hell it took three years to figure this all out, and it still isn't always easy, but the point is to try. I painted my room, I started writing my book, I started my YouTube channel and blog, I want to see what I can maintain and what else I can start. I've always wanted to make something bigger than myself but it starts with me and with a little help. So if you're still reading this, have seen my video, and enjoy what I've done and want to support me then I thank you, truly, with all of my heart. 

Anyway, I'm off to continue making the most out of my unexpected day off. You'll see my YouTube Face again on Tuesday and maybe more Blogger Face sooner than that! I promise. Have a lovely day!

~ Chantille ~