The Temptations

Let me be the first (and/or only) to say congratulations to myself for accomplishing this week's Tuesday video deadline without a sweat on my just-did brow!

- gratuitous bow for fake applause -
- sings along to Lady Gaga's "Applause" - 

This week I talk about love and bubbles, and burp at the end. Classy.

As for making my blog post deadline... well. My computer does this thing where it goes back and forth between being connected and disconnected to our WiFi - I described it once as being a Complicated relationship, and it's complicated often so my computer must be an Aquarius. This was one of those occasions so I couldn't log onto my Blogger to write and publish a Thursday post.

That's an excuse, the excuse, and I apologize but to be honest I wouldn't call it a complete loss. For the past few days I didn't know what I wanted to write about and I worried that it would read too lackluster because I would have to induce word-vomit in order to meet a deadline - and word-vomit, like any vomit, is messy. Real messy. I don't foresee my video quality suffering because of the Tuesday deadline, but I feel it's fair to be a little bit more lenient about my blog deadline. In the end it's quality, not quantity.

Anyway, I have been thinking quite a bit on the topic of Destiny and Choice and the implications of those on myself as a Hero. When I say "hero" I don't mean the muscly and manly genre akin to Hercules or Solid Snake - for I have neither the physicality nor the persona to be muscly or manly - but rather, the archetypal protagonist in a classic story. Joseph Campbell's Monomyth Cycle is a pattern that all stories tend to follow, a journey in steps that all heroes travel, and in the vein of destiny and choice there is the Temptress, luring the hero away towards a fate off the straight-and-narrow with her feminine wiles.

As the hero in my story, I found myself tempted from my path - mine and many other people's temptress is money. If Luck be a Lady tonight, then Fortune be a Lady of the Night, every night.

The decision to start a YouTube channel and focus on writing my book was made and was being carried out well before my birthday. But in a sudden turn of events, my Temptress came knocking on my door a week before I was to film my first video with an offer - a career opportunity for myself and my parents, in the world of business. Had the offer come to me a year ago, hell if I'm honest even just a couple of months before, I would have jumped on the train immediately without a second thought because quite simply, I needed the money and something to do. But after years of fear and indecision I finally made a choice for myself, and I'd be damned if I didn't go through with it.

It was difficult to turn down the offer; I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it positively and almost wholly: the money, the security, the empowerment, the money. Their offer would be perfect if all I was looking for was really, really great money. However, I had made my decision, so I said no.

Of course, there is a small part of me that worries and wonders if I did right by saying no, but what I've realized in these past three weeks is that the hokey-pokey isn't what it's all about and neither is money. I started making videos, writing this blog and my book to grow and find happiness where I find I'm most passionate. I did it for me and for no one and nothing else; that's phrased a bit selfishly but it's okay to be when it's about finding happiness for yourself. I just want to believe that I'm okay and actually be okay, and to follow my dreams so that one day, when I find my sunshine I can go on to do bigger and better things that gives the world as much of that sunshine as I can possibly share.

People I am inspired by like Markiplier (Mark Fischbach) and John Green (of the Vlog Brothers), started out following a path towards their happiness that they have managed to find and now they continue down that path to cultivate even more happiness for the rest of the world, all through doing what they love and being good people. That is something to aspire to.

I know I'm venting and that money is important, but unless you're arguing for lack of stability and thus sanity, it isn't the be all end all, shining star of the world. For example, the argument for my parents is in better alignment for this: they are getting quite close to the age of retirement and are no where near ready for it, with bills upon bills to pay and four kids to support; but not only do they need it, they love it too, they are passionate about the work they get to do together and that is their added bonus. Myself, however, am not in the same lane of necessity.

I just turned 21, I don't have kids to support, retirement is still twice my lifetime away, and I'm not drowning in debt, so money is not important to me right now. All I want to do is what makes me happy, and if that includes doing this and working a part-time job then so be it, at least I know my heart is as deeply invested in it as it can be and that makes it worthwhile.

I'm aware that if my plan goes spiraling as violently as a Kansas twister, I'll have to reposition myself so as the house doesn't crush me to death and a war break out over a pair of ruby slippers. I know how hard the path is ahead of me - after finishing the book comes the trials and tribulations of getting it published, and gaining an audience on YouTube is as hard as voicing complaints about Sochi accommodations in a sea of complaints about Sochi accommodations (c'mon with it though, Russia!) - but I've only just begun, I have to give myself the chance to grow and the chance to succeed, and I'd be million times more satisfied if that was through a conscious choice I made for myself and not one that was made for me.

We may not be entirely able to choose our fate but we are able to choose our paths and ourselves. I'm proud of myself and I'm closer to believing it than I've ever been, so this feels as right as it can be.

And I guess that's it, Blog Faces - a little late, a little long, and a little livid, but hey, I had a lot of feels, it's only human; we get them every now and again and sometimes it makes us sweaty, kind of like watching the Olympics (GO CANADA!) but it's healthy to let them out, even if no one else is reading.

I'm going to treat myself to a short round of Pokemon and an episode of My Mad Fat Diary (because Finn, just FINN, am I right? Unf), then it's back to writing.

Tuesday is a... News-day? Lose-day? Shoes-day.

I'll see you Tuesday.

~ Chantille ~

These Lines Are Dead, Jim

So about last week when I said you'd see my Blogger Face sooner than my YouTube Face, um, right, well I guess it's fair to say that I lied. Feel free to accuse me, berate me, throw tomatoes at me, unless no one's reading this blog anyway, in which case...
          - cough, cough -
          - nudge, nudge -
          - bucket of ice water over the head -
          - barrel full of monkeys -
          - I REGRET NOTHING -   

But I'm here now so, HELLO!

To be honest, I've never quite had a perfect relationship with deadlines; they are as handsome as they are intimidating and I acknowledge their existence but either I fail to remember or I simply denounce their significance. In my life I've managed to unintentionally liberate at least three or four books from school libraries, including two Grade 12 textbooks, because I put off thinking about what needed to be done, which then turned into forgetfulness, and suddenly OOPS - free book(s). A beneficial turn of events I'm not entirely proud of, but to be fair, it's been several years anyway so I'm sure they don't care enough now to miss them.

City libraries, however, are much less lenient towards deadline aversion. If I'm at all notorious, I'd be: City's Most Wanted for Overdue Library Books, with all the stops: Wanted Posters with a sketch by inaccurate witness descriptions and televised Public Announcements warning readers of the safety of our National Treasures. They take this stuff SRSLY. I've certainly received a ridiculous share of overdue bills (*paid in full, JUST SAYING) and letters explaining the severity of over-keeping books and the SWAT-Team-Equivalent that would arrive to claim them back into custody should it be necessary. Though I've managed to stay incognito for the last two years - since starting work allotted the expendable funds to purchase my own books - I have gone back, twice, and both times I was wrought with a paranoia that the moment I stepped in or swiped my card there would be a Red Alert: lock-down, flashing lights, I'd have to take a mug shot and wear orange.

And while this all seems melodramatic (we acknowledge that the Paperback Police doesn't actually exist) this is what missing deadlines feels like: the sickening wrench in your gut, the panic rising in your chest and the racing thoughts of when you've foolishly left your essay to the last minute and you're up trying to connect the dots two hours before you're meant to hand it in. Deadlines aren't friendly and are so aptly named in insinuating their finality, like in a way, if that line is crossed and you aren't prepared, you and/or whatever you are cultivating will not survive!

I took it upon myself to make a goal for weekly videos, the deadline being every Tuesday before the end of the day, but I severely underestimated how much time I would need to do this week's. I was not as prepared as I would have liked, leaving me with 90 minutes of that unpreparedness to sift through and edit, and on top of that I started editing a little later in the day than I should have, so in the end it was live an hour before Tuesday was over. I had just made my deadline.

But, hey, I'm proud of the video regardless of the nightmare editing, and that's A point. In parts it was fun to film, so I sincerely hope it is/was just as fun to watch. 

Here is said video where I answer questions from my "Q&A a Day" Journal:

THE point is that while deadlines are as looming and as mean as Professor Umbridge, they are in place to positively encourage the accomplishment of set goals, unlike Professor Umbridge (nailed it). So I need to make a truce with my deadlines, maybe take them out on a candlelight dinner on the beach and whisper sweet nothings that acknowledge not only their existence but also their importance to myself and my endeavor to be more productive.

Starting this week we'll aim for the video to be uploaded by early evening on Tuesday and the companion blog to be published by Thursday. I will be victorious this time around - the deadline will not murder me, I will murder the deadline... and then take it out to dinner? Have it for dinner? Okay Hannibal Lecter, talk about morbid.

That's this week's schtick. Are you all having/have had a good day? I've been really busy this week, but I feel good! I feel sunny - I've got sunshine on a cloudy day, something, something about the month of May, except it's still February. How many weeks left do we have of Winter now? Too many? Too many. Here, have a bit of my sunshine, unless you live in Florida or California then ya'll got enough sunshine - share some with us please.

Until Tuesday!

~ Chantille ~

It's About Time

It took me almost three years to paint my room, or rather it took me almost three years to stop talking about painting my room and actually do it. "I'll do it next week... Next month... Next season..." Putting it off and putting it off again. Exhibit A of inaction caused by Character Flaw 3: Indecision. Equally, though by a much more complex catalyst, it took almost three years to make an active decision for myself as far as what I wanted to do with my life.

No one knows truly knows what they want to do after leaving high school, you just follow a path you laid out for yourself before-hand, but when that path is no longer available to you - by choice or not - you need to decide where to go next. Every time I tried to take a step down a new path, three things popped into my mind:

       Am I ready?
       Is this right?
       I am terrified.

Closer to the date that I would have to act on that decision I would have anxiety that grows in gravity, in severity, and it's all I can do not to run in the opposite direction. I am a perfectionist with fragile self-confidence, I worry that myself or my work aren't good enough and worry again that other people think even less. That kind of anxiety is dangerous because it breeds indecision, which then breeds inaction and before I know it it's been a week, a month, a year and it's all still just an idea in my head - still a decision that hasn't been made.

I am at heart a lover of storytelling. I am a reader. I've indulged myself in stories, have lived and have found happiness in worlds and minds that are not my own. Although, what I also am but haven't shown is that I am a writer; to my very core I am too a storyteller in my own right, with stories - both fictional and non-fictional - that I've only ever kept to myself. My fear has kept me from being who I want to be and from doing what I want to do. But like John Hurt as the War Doctor said: "NO MORE".

I made a decision, and this is that decision:

The other decision I made, you're reading right now. Think of this blog as a "Companion Guide" to my videos as well as a less-compacted glimpse into the dynamic waves of my brain-box. And through these two platforms I can share my life, my thoughts and my dreams; things I've learned, things I'm still learning; and most of all, my creations: music (covers and originals), short stories, short films, and updates about the novel I'm writing.

This year's resolution is "Fearlessness and Productivity" - to stop letting fear get in the way of accomplishing goals I've set for myself. That's not to say that doing that video or writing this blog isn't scary or that I'm not worrying over them being exactly what I want them to be, but the fact that it IS scary and I AM worrying and I managed to put up the video and make this blog anyway, shows a great deal of growth.

One of my best friends, said to me last week: "We need to embrace our flaws, or else we end up hating ourselves for them". It's true. It's being aware of and accepting your flaws in order to grow. 

       1. Perfectionism,
       2. Lack of Self-Confidence,
       3. Fear & Indecision,
       4. Internalization.

As the Hero in my Life Story, these are my Character Flaws. I've always been aware of them but it's only now that I'm embracing them, to learn from them, to rise above them, and that video and this blog are proof that I am trying.

I've been lucky though. For every moment I doubted myself the world reminded me that I had family and friends who love me, support me, and most of all are patient with me, and I could never thank them enough. But I was my greatest obstacle, my worst enemy, my harshest critic. I had to learn to believe in myself. I had to soak in that juicy sunlight of opportunity. I had to turn it into delicious passion and motivation. And now I have to use that to grow into the best person I can be. I have to be my biggest fan first.

It wasn't easy for me, hell it took three years to figure this all out, and it still isn't always easy, but the point is to try. I painted my room, I started writing my book, I started my YouTube channel and blog, I want to see what I can maintain and what else I can start. I've always wanted to make something bigger than myself but it starts with me and with a little help. So if you're still reading this, have seen my video, and enjoy what I've done and want to support me then I thank you, truly, with all of my heart. 

Anyway, I'm off to continue making the most out of my unexpected day off. You'll see my YouTube Face again on Tuesday and maybe more Blogger Face sooner than that! I promise. Have a lovely day!

~ Chantille ~